Friday, May 18, 2012

something fishy

HMMM... I series of unseemly events!

That's how i would describe this week, i would do that if i thought the events weren't tied together! Yes! There are some strange links to each event... I'm on a mission to seek out the truth. I love a good mystery.

Sleuth
So, the love of my life that has been MIA for a whole year has contacted me. I waited so long for contact, as I really thought he was the one. We had problems, but i never thought it would end the way it did.

He chose to discontinue contact with me on our 1 year anniversary... so now changing one of the happiest days of my life to one of the saddest.

Now he breaks the silence. I don't think a day has gone by that i didn't wish for something from him. Wondered if  he still loved me, wondered if he ever did. This wouldn't be so hard if i didn't still love him. I miss everything about him. His eyes, his lips, his body, his ass, his sense of humor, even his cockiness... wtf!

We just seemed to connect on a level i never connected with another guy on. We actually enjoyed the same things. I knew he had commitment issues, but i thought he'd work through them. I was in know rush.

How can a person dessert the person they love? How can they see you trying to reach out and they ignore you. I made a complete fool out of myself, stalking his ass at work. I felt so stupid.

I don't know what to do...

 I know that you're light years ahead now and happy -- you survived cancer and to a much lesser degree, me. I'm sobbing so much as I type this, and count myself extremely lucky to know what being in love so fully feels like. I lacked the courage of my own convictions to simply follow my heart. My foolishness was both cruel and cowardly. You already know this, so I won't belabor it. I don't deserve to even be last on the list of people you would turn to for help, but know that I am.


I'm so confused with his words. Most of my friends are telling me i'm better of not responding or telling him to go fuck himself. Only one thinks i should explore this. I don't know what to do. I vent here on my blog because no one reads my shit anyway, lol. But it's out there now... for the universe to float an answer to me.

Thanks universe for reading my blogs...

Still alone in this corner

The Trash


The trash 

I am a thing of great value
But I ended up in the trash anyway
You have such an eye for quality things
Impeccable taste in all things aesthetic
And a deeper love for the logical and level
But I ended up in the trash anyway

I am a thing of great respect
But I ended up in the trash anyway
The dints and bruises add to the character
Nothing new can compare to my depth
My beauty is immeasurable
But I ended up in the trash anyway

I am a thing that is one of a kind
But I ended up in the trash anyway
No one has ever forgotten me
I etch my inner-being on all that I meet
My difference is my most memorable trait
But I ended up in the trash anyway

I am a thing of distinct taste
But I ended up in the trash anyway
It takes a special man to appreciate me
I don’t fit into molds easily
Just when I’m here, then I’m there
But I ended up in the trash anyway

I am a thing that is rare
But I ended up in the trash anyway
I diamond in the rough
Most cannot see or appreciate it
Humanity is pretty dense I suppose
Because I still ended up in the trash anyway

I hear the truck coming
And I’m still in here
Lost among the trash
To be discarded
And ignored
It stinks!

 elaine 
5-18-12

Thursday, May 3, 2012

SOMEBODY THAT I USED TO KNOW






Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
I told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kinda sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end 
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off 
Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing 
I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough

No, you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
Guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
[From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/g/gotye-lyrics/somebody-that-i-used-to-know-lyrics.html ]
But had me believin it was always something that I'd done

But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know-oh-oh

But you didn't have cut me off
Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing (oh)
I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger 
and that feels so rough

(oh)

No, you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect you records
And then change your number (oh)
Guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Somebody that I used to know
Somebody (now your just somebody that I used to know)
That I used to know
Somebody that I used to know
Somebody (somebody) (now your just somebody that I used to know)
That I used to know

I used to know
That I used to know
I used to know
Somebody

Monday, April 9, 2012

losing

Losing

I’m sorry if it seems I’ve lost faith
You’ve created us so fragile
I most certainly feel cracked
Fearing further agitation will do me in
It is hard to stay faithful
When all I see and touch is barren
There is no sun in my sky
I thought I found love once
But I realized love did not find me
All I’ve known is disappointment
You say I’m special
One of a kind
But nothing in my life thus far
Has proven that to be true
I fear my heart grows cold now
Your creations have laid waste there
Now it only beats out of necessity
The love inside longs to be enjoyed
So far all that has tasted her
Chose not to continue to love her
My heart does break
Now all I hold onto are temporary fixes
Stolen moments of joy
Just to feel an instant of pleasure
To imagine what “real” feels like
Not trusting that I’ll ever possess it permanently
Knowing in the morning, I’ll wake up
And the tears will fall again
As the heart continues to bleed for more
Wishing something would be real
Wishing someone would be strong
I’m finding my own strength is sometimes not enough
I fear my fa├žade will crumble
I will be exposed
Humiliated
And love will continue to evade me
Loneliness is an awful place
The crack is getting bigger
What happens when all the blood is gone?
Will my heart die?
Is my heart dying?
Do you love me even?
I close my eyes
As I struggle once again to breath
Wondering why your world hates me

2006

Monday, January 9, 2012


The Simple Ones

When observed
I’ve noticed
The Simple Ones
Are the happiest
When free
Of oppressive things
Like connections
Only permanent associations’ permitted
Is beer, football and video games
Conclusion: A simple life is a good life